The Letter
by ChloeIsMe
Summary: Sirius, I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I thought that writing a letter would help, maybe because I hope that you can read this, wherever you are. Harry writes Sirius a letter. Post OoTP. SPOILERS!


**A/N: A rewrite of the one-shot I wrote a while back. There were a few errors that I fixed, that's all.**

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. It belongs to J.K. Rowling, the lucky woman.  
**

_Sirius,_

_I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I thought that writing a letter would help, maybe because I hope that you can read this, wherever you are._

_But that's not true, is it? I know why I'm writing a letter to you. Because I want to let go. I want to remember the good times we had together. _

_But I can't._

_I can't get past the pain. It hurts so much Sirius. It's as if someone punched through my chest and ripped my heart out. __Then__ a horde of Hippogriffs trampled over it and then someone threw my heart into a fire. And the wound won't heal. Merlin, it hurts so much Sirius. So much pain._

_Pain._

_You'd think I'd be used to it now, wouldn't you? 10 years with the Dursleys. They didn't physically abuse me of course. Just emotionally. Then there was the whole Quirrell fiasco first year. Second year people thought I was Slytherin's heir and the Basilisk poison thing. Third year I thought that you betrayed my parents, but I found out it was Wormtail. And the dementors. Fourth year Ron turned his back on me and Voldemort returned and Cedric died._

_And know you've gone, left. I can't say that you've... It makes it so final, writing it down. I can't even think it, say it, let alone write it._

_I think that's another reason why it hurts so much. I can't accept it. I won't believe it. I try to, so I can move on, but I can't. But yet I can. Does that make sense?_

_No, it doesn't, does it?_

_I know that you've gone. That you're with Mum and Dad. That you probably are happy. But at the same time, another part of me refuses to believe that you've gone._

_And there's a third part that's so __angry__ Sirius. _

_Angry at myself for falling for the vision. Angry at Kreature for telling me that Voldemort had captured me. Angry at Voldemort for sending me the vision. Angry at Bellatrix for sending that curse._

_And, I'm angry at you._

_For leaving Headquarters. For letting Bellatrix curse you like that. For __leaving__ me._

_But then I hate myself for being angry at you and for being so selfish._

_Remus won't look at me anymore. He tries not to show it, but he hates me. He blames me for taking you away and I can't be angry at him for it because I blame myself too. _

_I know it's not my fault, really. But I feel so much guilt that I can't help but feel that way._

_But back to Remus. I see it in his eyes. The loathing there, and it hurts so much that he hates me Sirius. Everyone says that it's not my fault. Even Remus does, even though I can tell he doesn't believe it._

_None of them do._

_They all blame for it. I can see it in their faces. In the way they look at me when they think I won't notice. How they talk about me when they think that I can't hear._

_If it wasn't for the fact that I'm scared you'll hate me too, then I'd probably kill myself. But I can't because I'm __so__ afraid you'll hate me for being the reason you're gone and it would hurt so much if you did._

_Some Gryffindor I am. But I don't care anymore. None of that matters because everyone hates me so much anyway that the probably won't care if I don't act like a Gryffindor again. They'd probably be happy if I died._

_But maybe I'm seeing things. Maybe they don't actually hate me, or blame me. Maybe I'm imagining it because that's what I feel I deserve._

_I just don't know anymore Sirius._

_But I __know__ that I have to either kill Voldemort or die trying because I'd hate myself even more if I didn't try. So I won't let myself die until then. But I won't live either._

_I'll just function. I suppose I died inside when you fell through the Veil. I don't feel anything anymore Sirius. I'm just numb to everything but the pain. So I'll eat and sleep and everything else but I won't live._

_And I know that I won't live after my next encounter with Voldemort because I haven't got anything to fight for anymore. I've lost sight of why I'm fighting and I know that Riddle knows. He'll take advantage of it and then he'll kill me and then I'll feel relieved that I'm gonna see you again but so scared that you'll hate me._

_I suppose I should sleep now. I know that I'll have nightmares but at least I get to see you again._

_See you Padfoot_

_Harry._


End file.
